Chapter 1
Introduction
People
like me don't come from any particular place; we are all around the world. We
live in every country. We don't have any specific skin color; we share them
all. You can't tell that I am any different by looking at me. What sets me
apart is what is going on in my mind. I belong to a dreaded world that most
people fear and don't understand. There are many labels placed on people with
my condition: “crazy,” “lunatic,” “crackers,” “nuts,” “insane,” and “mentally
ill.”
I
didn't explicitly set out to write a book. I started by writing stories to
express what is so deep within my soul. When I shared these stories with
friends, we laughed together and reminisced about our common experiences. The
book that you hold in your hands was born. It is the story of my life.
You
will never completely know who I am by simply reading my tales, but perhaps you
will begin to understand. When Jesus was asked, “And who is my neighbor?"
he didn't answer the question directly. Instead, he told the story of the Good
Samaritan. The parable did more than answer the question. In the same way, I
hope my story will help answer the question of what mental illness looks and
feels like.
My
illness is manic depression caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. I was
diagnosed when I was twenty. The year was 1987. Now, it is called by the milder
name “bipolar disorder.” Psychiatric disorders are often misunderstood; I was a
leper with a hidden disease. One can’t simply look at me and see something
wrong, yet my existence has been far from normal.
An
X-ray reveals a broken bone, and anyone can see the cast on a leg. Nobody would
expect a person with a broken leg to run a marathon. But when someone suffers
from an illness like depression, the reality is often denied. "There's
nothing wrong with you" or "You're just lazy" are typical
comments. Loved ones become frustrated and seem to lack compassion. They can’t
see the problem because they can’t get into the person’s mind to experience the
battle raging inside. They can’t see the living hell. I’ve walked in those
shoes. This is a book of my footprints.
This
book is about mental illness, written by one who suffers from it. In these
pages I open my life with candidness and honesty. I am not afraid to reveal my
soul.
Mental
illness needs to be better understood. There are mountains of misinformation
about it, and people have lots of questions. Is it treatable? What are the
symptoms? Are there different kinds? How does it affect people? There are
textbooks you can read to answer those questions. My book is not a clinical
book filled with facts and figures but a book of humanity to touch not just the
mind but, more importantly, the heart. It not only shows the illness with all
its ugliness, but it also reveals the fact that I am a human being, just like
you. The illness makes up part of who I am, but it does not define me.
Unlike
any physical sickness, mental illness has an attached stigma. As a result, we
hide our condition from our neighbors, coworkers, acquaintances, and even
friends. It's the dirty little secret that the rest of the family doesn't like
to talk about. In my experience, if you’re poor, they will call you
"crazy," and most likely, you will wind up in a state institution or,
worse, a prison. If you're middle class, they will say that you suffer from a
“chemical imbalance,” and you will most likely get adequate treatment. If you
are rich, you will be called “eccentric” and get the finest treatment. Whatever
you call it, most people would like to brush it under the mat, somewhere out of
sight.
I
hope this book will help change some of these negative perceptions. I have
purposely omitted some information to protect people I mention in my story. All
of the names, except my own, were changed to conceal identities, even the names
of my parents. It is sufficient to say that our home life was unpleasant. The
purpose of this book is to heal and not to hurt. I don't want to air dirty
laundry. I don't want to expose every last flaw of my parents. Yes, it might be
interesting and helpful in explaining my illness, but I will not do it, and it
is not necessary.
I
am a devout Christian. Without God, the pain of the darkness of night would
have crushed my soul and destroyed me. With the help of the Almighty I bore my
cross, and many have helped me carry it along the way. It has indeed been a
long, strange trip. I am not what the potential of my gifts may have promised,
but by what criteria should this be judged? I know without a doubt that I am a
better person for what I have gone through. Remember, the measure of a man is
not determined only by the distance he travels; the nature of the road must
also be considered.
I
am forty years old and happily married. I have a bachelor's degree in
mathematics. I work full-time as a civil engineer and support myself
financially, with my wife Sylvia doing her share to contribute as well. I have
come a long way from lying in bed all day, thinking about how I was going to
kill myself. I must humbly submit that I have overcome the demons. I am not a
hundred percent out of their grasp, but they no longer dictate the terms and
conditions of my life. I have progressed beyond many who suffer from the same
malady and even some who do not.
There
is more to me than the madness. I am a human being just like you. The illness
is just another dimension in a complex picture. After you read this book, I
hope you will realize that I am not a creature who needs to be locked away from
society, as some would demand. I hope you will understand that I am not a
bizarre phenomenon. I hope you will see some of yourself in me and realize that
we aren't too unalike after all. Most of all, I hope that when you encounter an
individual who suffers from a mental illness, you will not ostracize them and
consider them second-class or worse.
Many
people have helped and supported me in this work, and I thank them. I hope you
enjoy this book as much as I have enjoyed writing it. It has indeed been a
labor of love. Be prepared to be challenged. Get ready for your horizons to be
broadened. I am going to show you my life, a life that is probably very
different from yours. Or maybe it is very similar to yours. If so, I hope my
story helps you feel not so alone in your struggles. In sharing my experiences,
I have exposed the shadows of deception with the brilliant light of truth. I
hope it will set you free. I hope the shackles of prejudice will be cast off.
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