I Should Have Been A Rock Star

 

Chapter 4

Contradiction in the Corn Field

Don Colandri was conscious that he was flying. There was a whistling sound, and his hair was being tossed about. He dared not open his eyes, as he feared that he was somehow inside of a twisting tornado. Then it suddenly occurred to the engineering student that he felt no circular motion. Instead of spinning, it was almost as if he was being thrust forward, perhaps like a jet plane soaring through the upper atmosphere of the Earth. All Hypo knew was that he didn’t like the feeling and that it couldn’t be anything good. Finally, there was the inevitable thud!

Don Colandri was flung upon the ground. It was as if some bully had snuck up behind the young man and given him a wicked push. Unfortunately, with his eyes closed he hadn’t seen this coming. So instead of hands extended in preparation for the collision with the ground, the young man hit the dirt with an emphatic exclamation point; most unfortunately for Hypo, his face was the first point of impact. However, considering the semi-hideous appearance that Don Colandri possessed, there was no cause for alarm.

Don rolled over as he moaned in agony. His mind was twirling in an attempt to make sense of the past frantic thirty seconds he had just experienced. He began to formulate in his brain the details. True to an engineering student, he gathered all the known facts. That was how engineering worked. You would take a great equation and then, one by one, plug in the numbers. At the end of the process, there would remain one unknown. From there, it was a matter of simple or complex mathematics to determine the absent value.

Don had been walking down the grand lawn of Edward’s University on his way to his statics exam. He had been contemplating what he had crammed the night before when he had been distracted by a gorgeous blonde woman. In his heart, he had felt a deep carnal lust for the woman. This excited fantasy had been dashed at the appearance of her “gorilla” boyfriend. Then there had been a rushing of the wind. Don had suddenly felt a weightless sensation, as if he was being flung in the air. The young man recalled reciting some rote prayer in desperation. The next thing he knew was that he was cast upon the ground.

Hypo then had the bright idea to open his eyes. He hesitated for but a fraction of a moment. What if he was dead? What if his life had been terminated? Was he ready, after all, to meet God? Maybe God was a woman and greatly offended by his sexist attitudes―the way he reduced the fairer sex into sumptuous cuts of meat. But Don Colandri came to the dread realization that if he was, in fact, on his way to the next life, he had zero alternatives―unless of course, reincarnation was a reality. In that case, Hypo would desire to be returned to Earth as another human being. He didn’t care where, or even when, just as long as he was rich. Such was the linear thinking of the engineering student.

The young man first rolled to his side and then slowly opened his eyes. At first there was a brilliant shining of light that made Don Colandri cringe. “Ugghh,” he moaned in contemptible disgust. He had died and gone to heaven after all. Suddenly, the engineering student had the brilliant idea to convert to Islam. After all, the reward of seventy-two virgins was most tempting. Hypo made the calculations inside his mind. If only one out of ten of the ladies were hot, that would make 72 very desirable chicks. Why, that was one every night of the week with a bit of thigh or two to spare! But in heaven, wouldn’t they all be fiery? Unfortunately, with the thought of something hot, Don’s mind digressed into hellfire, which began a grave depression.

As his mind processed his thoughts, the young man’s eyes were getting adjusted to the light around him. What he saw puzzled him to no end. It certainly wasn’t heaven, and thankfully it wasn’t hell. No, it seemed that Don Colandri was, of all places, in a farm of some sort. Edwards University was located in Hoboken, on the exact location where Steven’s Institute of Technology had once stood. Hypo racked the deepest canyons of his mind searching for anything remotely like a farm in that area. Why, if he was carried away by a tornado, it must have been a distance of over ten miles! This one fact made the event impossible. Still, his eyes were clearly seeing tall stalks of some kind of vegetation.

Don Colandri was about to get up when he suddenly realized that there was a pain in his side. Cautiously, he slid his right arm down to his rib cage where the agony was most intense. It hurt to touch the area. Hypo, however, continued in his exploration of his ailment. In particular, he was trying to determine if any ribs had been broken. That would turn a most unfortunate accident into a tragedy. Broken ribs might even prematurely spell the end of his semester at Edwards University. Fortunately, Don didn’t feel anything that seemed like it was broken. Rather, it was just a serious bruise.

Don rolled to his other side. What worse could happen?

Suddenly, a terrible roar was let out. Trembling with a massive wave of fear, Don Colandri’s mind raced into action determining what could have caused such a cry. Moments later, when all that could be heard was the thumping of the young man’s heart, he wished away the terrifying cry as his overactive imagination. A second, and much louder, outburst proved his thinking false.

Don Colandri was in panic. However, he was not overcome with fear. Rather, the survival instinct kicked in. Calming himself down, he understood that giant monsters were only for cheap Japanese movies and they didn’t exist in reality. Taking no chances, the young man struggled to his feet. Pain cried from his bruised side, making the simple act of standing up a laborious chore. Hypo first rolled to a squatting position. Then carefully, he arose. Now he clearly saw that he was in a corn field. Odd, the corn was not anywhere near harvest. However, his mind was quickly stripped away from any speculations about agriculture. There in the not-too-far distance was a terrifying sight.

Hypo had to blink his eyes several times to make sure it wasn’t some fantastical vision he was seeing. Then his mind surveyed his recent memory. Had he taken any hallucinogenic drugs in the recent past? Perhaps he was having a flashback? A third roar of fury from the being’s mouth made everything irrelevant. Before Don Colandri, about two football fields away, stood a sight of sheer horror. The beast was green, with the basic form of a man. Standing at a full sixty feet tall or so, whatever it was, it was not remotely human. In fact, it was ghastly alien. The huge creature had scales covering its slimy body. Its face was most like a lizard of sorts. Huge fangs, each the size of a human being, protruded from either side of its mouth. The nose was long and pointed. The beast had enormous red eyes that seemed to be like a raging fire.

Apparently, whatever that monster was, it had spotted Hypo. The monster waved its massive, clawed hand in his general direction in a most threatening fashion. Don Colandri contemplated the dire circumstances. Immediately, his mind went into overdrive, concentrating solely on survival. Unfortunately, he was totally clueless as to what he should do. Not only was there this grand monster threatening to snuff out his life, but he was in some foreign corn field with no place to run or hide.

“Do exactly as I say,” said a feminine voice, with a tone both soft and sweet but also severely firm―like a mother’s command oozing with sensuality.

Don Colandri turned his head, twisting it in every direction he could to find the source of the mysterious voice. It seemed that it originated from empty space. “Run to your left and then straight up the path toward the beast.”

Don continued to look around, puzzled.

“Look, if you hesitate you will surely get killed. You’re going to have to trust me on this, kiddo,” came some heartfelt convincing words. “If you don’t obey my commands to the exact letter, I’m going to leave this level without you.”

Somehow, Don felt a pang of despair at the thought of being left alone. Obediently, he ran to his left. He saw that there was, indeed, a large opening in the field of corn stalks. Seeing this sight brought a great encouragement to Don Colandri. In the distance, he saw the humungous beast. It let out another terrifying roar. The monster flailed its massive muscular arms in the air. However, it seemed that as if by some invisible bonds, the creature was held steadfast. Excited at this possibility, Hypo defied all reason and raced forward.

“Okay, kiddo,” said the voice, excited and overtly happy. “You’re doing great.” Don Colandri smiled as the voice continued. “Now, I can’t explain everything, but Orcus will be bound for another twenty point three five seconds.”

“Orcus!?!” Don Colandri spoke into the empty air.

“Yes,” replied the woman’s sultry voice as if she had heard what Hypo had uttered. “That is the name of the creature. Now listen intently. I’m going to navigate you through the maze of corn stalks. At the end, there will be a bag. Grab the bag, and then I’m going to navigate you back so we can both safely leave.”

“But why not just leave now?” asked the puzzled young man.

“Do as I say,” hissed the voice in desperation, “or all will be lost.”

Don Colandri looked around. He had clearly seen that the beast, “Orcus”, was somehow bound. In his heart, it dawned upon Hypo that he had to trust in this mysterious woman. His mind quickly went over his other options. The only alternative he could come up with was to make an escape on his own. Calculating the odds, especially factoring in that he was terribly lost, he forsook that avenue.

“Now turn right,” commanded the woman. Without hesitation, he deviated to the right. Hypo began running full force. Somehow the pain in his ribs had dissipated with all the adrenalin. No time to think about that! “Now turn left, and after forty feet make a sharp right. You’ll be back-treading a bit.” Obediently, the young man followed the instructions. Sure enough, before him was a bag.

The woman let out a squeal of joy as Don Colandri picked up the bag. “Oh, I love you, baby,” shouted the woman, jubilantly. Hypo couldn’t help but have a tremendous smile upon his face. His curiosity began to surface as to what could possibly be in the bag.

“Now we have to get you back safe,” called out the woman. “You will be following the same path, and I’ll be helping you.” Don Colandri looked up and saw Orcus take a massive step forward. There was a pounding on the ground that made all the cornstalks shake. Like a rabbit running from the fox, the young man was on his way.

“Hurry, hurry, hurry,” encouraged the voice as Don Colandri navigated his way through the maze of plants.

All the while, he tightly clutched the bag that was in his hands. It wasn’t heavy, but clearly there was something of substance inside of it. He had an urge to sneak a peek at the contents but resisted the temptation. He was fearful of losing his life at the tender young age of twenty.

“Now to the left, to the second right, and from there it’ll be a straight shot to the Transmitter Machine,” spoke the unknown lady in a sexy voice.

Don Colandri did as he was instructed. He managed to glance back at the monster, who was only fifty yards away. Perhaps in acknowledgement to Hypo’s backward gaze, the beast called Orcus cried out a deafening roar. This frightened Hypo and encouraged his terrified feet to fly all the faster.

Finally, Don Colandri was running down a straight away. In the distance, he saw a figure in a brown robe. The being was covered completely; even its head was mysteriously veiled. Like sprinting at the end of a marathon to win the competition, Don raced ahead. Finally, in exhaustion he reached the brown figure. A pang of torment raced into Hypo’s mind as he considered that this figure might be as inhuman as the gargantuan creature that was looming so near.

“Now,” screamed a seductive feminine voice, “take my hand!” The brown robed figure extended her hand, and Don reluctantly grabbed it.

“Good!” shouted the lady. “Now press the button,” she commanded.

Don Colandri saw a column in front of him. He was thoroughly baffled at how he hadn’t noticed it before. But there was no time to think. He feared that the monster would stomp upon him and turn him into an instant human pancake. In a last-ditch effort, the beast let out a humongous roar that seemed the equivalent of a dozen claps of thunder. Hypo looked at the column that had appeared, seeing that upon it was a gigantic blue button. Unsure of what else to do, he slapped his free hand and hit the button. There was a ringing of a bell, and all went black. 

I SHOULD HAVE BEEN A ROCK STAR