Evangelists

  

Evangelists

 

       "Hello, we're from the Church of Celestial Greatness," the identically dressed youths chimed.

       I growled and rolled my eyes to the back of my head. I was not telegraphing a message but sending it with a precision laser beam.

       "God has sent us here to proclaim the good news of the celestial heaven," exhaled one of the pair in an exasperated breath. He spoke with all the drama of a game show host.

       I looked down upon the humans. As far as I was concerned, that species was the vilest scum the universe had ever vomited up. "Isn't that the church where the reverend took all the money and ran off with the secretary?" I hadn't a clue who these people were, but it was my standard line. You live on the periphery of the galaxy you have to be prepared for all sorts. Especially offensive intrusions of vulgarity.

       The pair looked at each other sheepishly as if I had tread upon some tender wound. One spoke up, his voice quivering and full of nervousness. "No, you're thinking of the Church of Celestial Magnificence," he squeaked. "We cut all our ties with them a good time ago." He managed to smile. Ah, how primitive humans were showing me their teeth! In my culture, that is a challenge to fight.

       In return, I opened my lips to reveal my multiple rows of sharp teeth that could literally bite their heads off. "But don't you hold the same text sacred? I mean, one stinky potato is just like another stinky potato." I roared out the words. Once again, it was my usual response. The evangelists would have felt obliged to educate me if I had pleaded ignorance.

       "Well, yes, sir," squeaked one nervously, stretching his collar with his finger as if his shirt had suddenly shrunk.

       "Well," I snarled. I had better things to do, like staring at a blank wall. My nostrils flared.

       Once more in uncertainty, the two glanced at each other, each exhibiting agonized looks. Returning their attention to me, one said, " Well, thank you for your time, sir."

       A look of sorrow swept across my face as I gave a big sigh. "But I thought you would be staying for dinner!" My voice whined in pity.

       "Dinner!" cried the other, finally breaking his silence. What were you eating?"

       I gave the grandest smile of the day. This was my favorite part when encountering evangelists. "You," I spoke slyly.

       Off to the races, the pair ran, clomping their shoes as they fled. In their haste, the duo neglected to collect their satchel. I took the liberty to investigate and find a host of various printed materials. I was utterly delighted. I now did not need to purchase lining for the bottom of Clarence's cage, my pet bird. All in all, I must say it wasn't a bad day. At least this time, I wasn't going to jail! It's two days at the rock for each evangelist's head you bite off. You see, they knock on the magistrate's door as well.

If you enjoyed this story, you definitely want to read In The Mind Of Maggoo!