Poems In The Night

 Poems In The Night

 

Woke up this morning I decided to change the world

I picked me a red rose and gave it to my girl

She smiled when I said you’re my valentine

But they’re still dropping bombs in Palestine

 

Here I am writing poems in the night

It’s a silly way to fight the fight

Maybe words can set the world right

Here I am writing poems in the night

 

Went downtown to watch the shoppers shop

The were in a frenzy spending money non stop

I did my best and I managed to keep my smile

Oh the silly things you do to stay in style

 

Here I am writing poems in the night

It’s a silly way to fight the fight

Maybe words can set the world right

Here I am writing poems in the night

 

I went to the meeting but I wasn’t allowed to speak

I found the door after I turned my other cheek

The sign on the door said Uncle Sam wants you

I was wondering what’s a poor boy to do

 

Here I am writing poems in the night

It’s a silly way to fight the fight

Maybe words can set the world right

Here I am writing poems in the night

 

The American dream means that you are sleeping

In the hood in the third world mothers are weeping

Bread and butter are losing to wars without end

Bow down to the bull of Baal be our friend

 

In Red Onion prison they set themselves on fire

Peace love and understanding they’re my desire

They’ve killed all our leaders or bought them out

Forgive me God I believe but I got my doubts

 

Here I am writing poems in the night

It’s a silly way to fight the fight

Maybe words can set the world right

Here I am writing poems in the night

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Days Of Your Life

 Days Of Your Life

 

Welcome to this place we call school

Open your eyes be wise play the fool

Inside your heart our darkness shall rule

A cog in our machine you’re the perfect tool

 

Be a good little boy

One day you’ll enter heaven with joy

Endless questions only annoy

Be a good little boy

 

Learn your lessons and learn them well

Never mind be blind to this living hell

Study hard and we shall indoctrinate

Gone is your love welcome in hate

 

Be a diligent young man

Play your part in the master plan

Serve the state yes you can

Be a diligent young man

 

These are the days of your life just a flash

Inside your mind sense and reason clash

These are the days of your life soon to end

You have no answers you just merely pretend

 

Rocks red glare bursting in the air

To scared for anything save prayer

Mangled bodies war is a sordid affair

A hard way to learn they really don’t care

 

Be a courageous young soldier

March forward be bolder

Carry the cross on your soldier

Be a courageous young soldier

 

And you teach your children the same wicked sin

And you teach your children that life’s a game to win

And you grow old and pretend to be wise

These are the days of your life only lies

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Money And Power

 Money And Power

 

Capitalism’s cat she’s a playboy bunny

She doesn’t dig true love it’s pure money

A wad of cash and she’s your sweet honey

She’ll laugh at all your jokes even if they ain’t funny

 

Twin demons money and power

A hungry beast seeks to devour

Now is darkness and the final hour

Bowing down to money and power

 

An ogre with orange hair he’s selling us out

He looks in the mirror that’s all he’s about

What profit a man to gain the whole world’s control

And at the very same time you lose your soul

 

Twin demons money and power

A hungry beast seeks to devour

Now is darkness and the final hour

Bowing down to money and power

 

Martin counts every penny he’s got a disease

He wants a life of leisure to do as he please

Lie after lie it’s the blind leading the blind

Generals and bankers a blight on mankind

 

Twin demons money and power

A hungry beast seeks to devour

Now is darkness and the final hour

Bowing down to money and power

 

In Red China a million soldiers march in line

In Harvard business school mammon is divine

Pay your indulgences so you can enter paradise

Give all to the poor it’s my best advice

 

The final countdown Babylon’s beginning to fall

The Masters of War snivel wanting it all

Cracks in the foundation hear the Liberty Bell

They offer you heaven only to give you hell

 

Twin demons money and power

A hungry beast seeks to devour

Now is darkness and the final hour

Bowing down to money and power 

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More Than The Madness

     Chapter 1

Introduction

 

People like me don't come from any particular place; we are all around the world. We live in every country. We don't have any specific skin color; we share them all. You can't tell that I am any different by looking at me. What sets me apart is what is going on in my mind. I belong to a dreaded world that most people fear and don't understand. There are many labels placed on people with my condition: “crazy,” “lunatic,” “crackers,” “nuts,” “insane,” and “mentally ill.”

I didn't explicitly set out to write a book. I started by writing stories to express what is so deep within my soul. When I shared these stories with friends, we laughed together and reminisced about our common experiences. The book that you hold in your hands was born. It is the story of my life.

You will never completely know who I am by simply reading my tales, but perhaps you will begin to understand. When Jesus was asked, “And who is my neighbor?" he didn't answer the question directly. Instead, he told the story of the Good Samaritan. The parable did more than answer the question. In the same way, I hope my story will help answer the question of what mental illness looks and feels like.

My illness is manic depression caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. I was diagnosed when I was twenty. The year was 1987. Now, it is called by the milder name “bipolar disorder.” Psychiatric disorders are often misunderstood; I was a leper with a hidden disease. One can’t simply look at me and see something wrong, yet my existence has been far from normal.

An X-ray reveals a broken bone, and anyone can see the cast on a leg. Nobody would expect a person with a broken leg to run a marathon. But when someone suffers from an illness like depression, the reality is often denied. "There's nothing wrong with you" or "You're just lazy" are typical comments. Loved ones become frustrated and seem to lack compassion. They can’t see the problem because they can’t get into the person’s mind to experience the battle raging inside. They can’t see the living hell. I’ve walked in those shoes. This is a book of my footprints.

This book is about mental illness, written by one who suffers from it. In these pages I open my life with candidness and honesty. I am not afraid to reveal my soul.

Mental illness needs to be better understood. There are mountains of misinformation about it, and people have lots of questions. Is it treatable? What are the symptoms? Are there different kinds? How does it affect people? There are textbooks you can read to answer those questions. My book is not a clinical book filled with facts and figures but a book of humanity to touch not just the mind but, more importantly, the heart. It not only shows the illness with all its ugliness, but it also reveals the fact that I am a human being, just like you. The illness makes up part of who I am, but it does not define me.

Unlike any physical sickness, mental illness has an attached stigma. As a result, we hide our condition from our neighbors, coworkers, acquaintances, and even friends. It's the dirty little secret that the rest of the family doesn't like to talk about. In my experience, if you’re poor, they will call you "crazy," and most likely, you will wind up in a state institution or, worse, a prison. If you're middle class, they will say that you suffer from a “chemical imbalance,” and you will most likely get adequate treatment. If you are rich, you will be called “eccentric” and get the finest treatment. Whatever you call it, most people would like to brush it under the mat, somewhere out of sight.

I hope this book will help change some of these negative perceptions. I have purposely omitted some information to protect people I mention in my story. All of the names, except my own, were changed to conceal identities, even the names of my parents. It is sufficient to say that our home life was unpleasant. The purpose of this book is to heal and not to hurt. I don't want to air dirty laundry. I don't want to expose every last flaw of my parents. Yes, it might be interesting and helpful in explaining my illness, but I will not do it, and it is not necessary.

I am a devout Christian. Without God, the pain of the darkness of night would have crushed my soul and destroyed me. With the help of the Almighty I bore my cross, and many have helped me carry it along the way. It has indeed been a long, strange trip. I am not what the potential of my gifts may have promised, but by what criteria should this be judged? I know without a doubt that I am a better person for what I have gone through. Remember, the measure of a man is not determined only by the distance he travels; the nature of the road must also be considered.

I am forty years old and happily married. I have a bachelor's degree in mathematics. I work full-time as a civil engineer and support myself financially, with my wife Sylvia doing her share to contribute as well. I have come a long way from lying in bed all day, thinking about how I was going to kill myself. I must humbly submit that I have overcome the demons. I am not a hundred percent out of their grasp, but they no longer dictate the terms and conditions of my life. I have progressed beyond many who suffer from the same malady and even some who do not.

There is more to me than the madness. I am a human being just like you. The illness is just another dimension in a complex picture. After you read this book, I hope you will realize that I am not a creature who needs to be locked away from society, as some would demand. I hope you will understand that I am not a bizarre phenomenon. I hope you will see some of yourself in me and realize that we aren't too unalike after all. Most of all, I hope that when you encounter an individual who suffers from a mental illness, you will not ostracize them and consider them second-class or worse.

Many people have helped and supported me in this work, and I thank them. I hope you enjoy this book as much as I have enjoyed writing it. It has indeed been a labor of love. Be prepared to be challenged. Get ready for your horizons to be broadened. I am going to show you my life, a life that is probably very different from yours. Or maybe it is very similar to yours. If so, I hope my story helps you feel not so alone in your struggles. In sharing my experiences, I have exposed the shadows of deception with the brilliant light of truth. I hope it will set you free. I hope the shackles of prejudice will be cast off.

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Shades Of Blue

 Shades Of Blue

 

By John Kaniecki

 

There are many shades of blue

And all I recall

Remind me of you

 

There are many shades of blue

Wide, thin, small and tall

But none of them are true

I see the sky

I cry
I see the ocean deep

I weep

There are many shades of blue

And all I recall

Remind me of you

And how you weren’t true

So what’s a poor boy to do?

 

There are many shades of blue

And I’d trade a kingdom or two

For one of those days full of charm

When I held you tight in my arms

But the past has fled

And my heart is dead

It is no longer red

But alas

Entrenched in a blue steadfast

There are many shades of blue

And I wish I never knew

Your love so tender and sweet

So in bitter defeat

I lay these words at your feet

 

There are many shades of blue

And the poet cannot conceive

Or the man of faith believe

Or have a clue

Of the love one can receive

From somebody as wonderful as you

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Born to Chase the Wind

Born to Chase the Wind

 

The dusty old trail is calling me on

Come the morning and I will be gone

And all that will be left of you and me

Will just be a pleasant memory

I never made a promise to you my love

I didn’t take an oath to God above

I’ll remember you I tell you no lie

At least until the next gal comes by

 

Well I was born to chase the wind

It’s such a sad life my friend

Yeah I was born to chase the wind

And I see that it’s blowing again

 

I got a pack with a couple of things

I never know what tomorrow brings

Maybe sunshine or clouds overhead

I hope I’m lucky enough to find a bed

No I ain’t a bum don’t you say so

I’m a wandering worker a regular hobo

I’ll clean your house or wash your car

Then I’ll relax and play my guitar

 

Well I was born to chase the wind

It’s such a sad life my friend

Yeah I was born to chase the wind

And I see that it’s blowing again

 

My roof is the sky

On green grass I lie

Too tired to weep

Gently I sleep

Dreams inside my mind

Of some better time

Then comes the morn

And I’m back on my journ

 

Well I was born to chase the wind

It’s such a sad life my friend

Yeah I was born to chase the wind

And I see that it’s blowing again

With you good sir I’ll travel a while

Pass the whiskey and make me smile

I can tell you a tale or sing you a song

It really helps that the liquor is strong

Ever since Adam when he ate from the tree

All that man knew was misery

Talk about woman I think about Eve

If it weren’t for her we’d never grieve

 

Well I was born to chase the wind

It’s such a sad life my friend

Yeah I was born to chase the wind

And I see that it’s blowing again

 

Well one day I shall enter my rest

I’ll look God in the eye cause I’ve done my best

I may go to heaven I may go to hell

The future’s uncertain who can tell

But this I know as a solid fact

I’ll have good times for me to look back

Yes I’ll have just one request in the end

O God Allmighty let me catch the wind

 

Well I was born to chase the wind

It’s such a sad life my friend

Yeah I was born to chase the wind

And I see that it’s blowing again

And I see that it’s blowing again 

GREAT BOOK OF SONG LYRICS

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The Nameless

 The Nameless

 

There was a man who did the time without the crime                       

Rich man laughs walking down the street can’t spare a dime           

On La Rue Avenue he plays the blues for free                                  

She sings and brings all the things of her reality                               

 

We are the nameless but we have names

We are the players but these ain’t games

And the government is full of shames

We are the nameless but we have names

 

Once I was Pharoah but that was a long time ago

I don’t get out that much maybe a disco

Hannibal is marching the elephants are dreaming

Armies being trampled no telling whose screaming

 

We are the nameless but we have names

We are the players but these ain’t games

And the government is full of shames

We are the nameless but we have names

 

America the empire who never lost in a war

America the empire it’s Babylon the Whore

They called them Indians but Columbus got lost

They called them Indians I’m still counting the cost

 

A summers day on the burning plantation field

Singing songs of freedom the spirit won’t yield

A vision of glory Jesus carrying his cross

“Come on you slaves work harder” yells out the big boss

 

We are the nameless but we have names

We are the players but these ain’t games

And the government is full of shames

We are the nameless but we have names

 

Billionaires want to shoot rocket ships out to Mars

Paupers are hooting coveting electric guitars

And poets like me write songs trying to give hope

They’ll hang themselves for sure just give them enough rope

 

We are the nameless but we have names

We are the players but these ain’t games

And the government is full of shames

We are the nameless but we have names

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Fool’s Gold

 

Fool’s Gold

 

I sold my soul only for fool’s gold

I wasn’t supposed to have grown old

The happiness was never gonna end

And I’d always have a good friend

 

Here comes Louie to make a deal

Got a dream bro I can make it real

Just be careful what you wish for

Cause so few truly know the score

 

She fell out of a porno magazine

Forever and ever eighteen

I was king and she was queen

Do you know what I really mean

 

Here comes Louie to make a deal

Got a dream bro I can make it real

Just be careful what you wish for

Cause so few truly know the score

 

We had a mansion and we had a yacht

So many good times I forgot

Money was endless we had everything

Except a reason for living

 

Here comes Louie to make a deal

Got a dream bro I can make it real

Just be careful what you wish for

Cause so few truly know the score

 

Somewhere shifting in the shadows lives a happy man

He helps everybody and everyone whenever he can

He don’t keep score because numbers add up to zero

The king of kings why he’s the eternal hero

 

Aching faking it while on the go

Life is nothing but an endless show

But I fear the grave will bring no relief

My happiness has been stolen by a thief

 

Here comes Louie to make a deal

Got a dream bro I can make it real

Just be careful what you wish for

Cause so few truly know the score

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I Ain’t Dead

I Ain’t Dead

 

Sally was a sweetheart with a permanent smile                     

She had holes in her jeans but only for style                         

One day I’m going to catch a bus going west                       

Gonna go to the Promised Land it’s the best                         

 

Who catches superman when he falls

We all must listen when God calls

Nietzsche is rewriting what he said

God is laughing, Bro I ain’t dead

 

They used to mockme right in front of my face

But I found Jesus Christ overflowing with grace

Sally would give a goodbye kiss never to budge

Losers are winners but tell me who’s to judge

 

Who catches superman when he falls

We all must listen when God calls

Nietzsche is rewriting what he said

God is laughing, Bro I ain’t dead

 

Sally wants to be a starlet she has her goals

The road is rough especially if it got holes

The director said this movie is rated X

Sally walked out the door she needed respect

 

Who catches superman when he falls

We all must listen when God calls

Nietzsche is rewriting what he said

God is laughing, Bro I ain’t dead

 

I remember reading how King Saul was an unhappy flake

David was going to be king and that was hard to take

And God sits on His throne watching it all go down

But where was God when Traci Lords walked into town?

 

Sally went to Berkley to study philosophy

Her final exam was “What was Jim Morrison’s reality?”

Sally still laughs but it ain’t loud anymore

I believe in winning but how do you score

 

Who catches superman when he falls

We all must listen when God calls

Nietzsche is rewriting what he said

God is laughing, Bro I ain’t dead  

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Run Cindy Run

Run Cindy Run

 

Cindy was chasing the white rabbit down the hole                           

She thought he’d stolen something maybe her soul                          

What do you mean getting endless money’s not the goal                  

Why else would we want to take complete control                           

 

Run Cindy run for your life

Rabbits were born for strife

Watch out Bugs got a knife

Run Cindy run for your life

 

I’m innocent she says unbuttoning your shirt

I’m here to heal you baby so where does it hurt

Another cosmic encounter a stab into the void

Even in a crash landing our hopes aren’t destroyed

 

Run Cindy run for your life

Rabbits were born for strife

Watch out Bugs got a knife

Run Cindy run for your life

 

Cindy was lost as she came to the crossroads of this ordeal

There was a street sign reading “Nothing is really real”

That’s sort of using a double negative she exclaimed

Why it must be the coyotes that are truly to blame

 

Run Cindy run for your life

Rabbits were born for strife

Watch out Bugs got a knife

Run Cindy run for your life

 

Hear the wind blow it comes hot and cold

You don’t know youth until you’re old

Martin became a banker’s whore

He sits in his mansion cheering on the war

 

The feminist cried revolution is not only a man’s thing

True said Cindy but I really don’t want to be king

Meanwhile the rabbit escaped into the carrot field

One day the mathematics professors are going to yield

 

Run Cindy run for your life

Rabbits were born for strife

Watch out Bugs got a knife

Run Cindy run for your life  

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A Love Song

 A Love Song

 

I don’t know where I’m going

But I know it’ll be with you

I don’t know what’s true

But I believe in you

 

And this is a love song I sing

Thanks for the love you bring

You are the queen and I am the king

Laughter means everything

And this is a love song I sing

 

I’m hurting and I know you are too

We’ll carry that cross together

One and one makes two

Every day just gets better

 

And this is a love song I sing

Thanks for the love you bring

You are the queen and I am the king

Laughter means everything

And this is a love song I sing

 

I have dreams can dreams come true

I believe in dreams I have you

I have dreams can dreams come true

To love each other that’s what we’ll do

 

And this is a love song I sing

Thanks for the love you bring

You are the queen and I am the king

Laughter means everything

And this is a love song I sing

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An Odd Bet

An Odd Bet

 

Harley Davidson black leather jacket hot blonde holding tight                    

Cruising down the freeway on the way to the bar or a fight                          

My Mustang motor roared I was feeling well under my age                        

Put the pedal to the floor and passed the biker in a rage                               

 

At best it was an odd bet

Life is a chance sometimes you regret

Trick of the thing is to get better yet

At best it was an odd bet

 

I flipped the biker the finger disregarding the danger

The day was already strange and it was just getting stranger

I yelled out the window loud as I could “How does my dust taste!!??!”

I had put down all of my cards the last one a dirty ace

 

At best it was an odd bet

Life is a chance sometimes you regret

Trick of the thing is to get better yet

At best it was an odd bet

 

Ever since the Neanderthal survival was the primary game

A man can always turn the other cheek but that carries shame

The biker was coming up quickly sickly out of his mind

Anger mixed with ample hatred made both of the dude’s eyes blind

 

At best it was an odd bet

Life is a chance sometimes you regret

Trick of the thing is to get better yet

At best it was an odd bet

 

In the great prairies the coyote hunts the sacred buffalo

Life is for the living but please enjoy the show

If things always made sense then logic would be king

I turned up the radio and let Buddy Holly sing

 

So he pulled up next to me cursing some foul words full of jive

I blew him a kiss and proceeded to pull out my forty-five

There is a moment of deepest reason when peace conquers war

In a flash as if in a mad crash I saw the man no more

 

At best it was an odd bet

Life is a chance sometimes you regret

Trick of the thing is to get better yet

At best it was an odd bet

 GREAT BOOK OF SONG LYRICS

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Accident Waiting To Happen

Accident Waiting To Happen

 

Lovely lady in a black negligee                                 

Down on your knees boys that’s how we pray          

Sadly sobbing without any tears                                

Truth is often the worst of your fears                         

                                   

Only volunteers for this mission

An accident waiting to happen

Blind leading the blind’s ambition

An accident waiting to happen

 

She led me by the hand like a stray dog

The penthouse view was merely gray fog

Shall I order wine or let it pass

Come now darling I live life fast

                                   

Only volunteers for this mission

An accident waiting to happen

Blind leading the blind’s ambition

An accident waiting to happen

 

Heart beating my cheating side quickly fell

They promise heaven then give you hell

An angel from a magazine page

I roared like a lion in a cage

                                   

Only volunteers for this mission

An accident waiting to happen

Blind leading the blind’s ambition

An accident waiting to happen

 

The rocket ship was sending cosmonauts to Jupitar

In the void of space they played an acoustic guitar

From millions of miles away Earth was a speck in the sky

Opening her mouth to scream she let go a gentle sigh

 

Caught in that sleepy place where two worlds merge

She had the right looks I had the urge

Fantasy is a secret never told

I woke up alone feeling old

                                   

Only volunteers for this mission

An accident waiting to happen

Blind leading the blind’s ambition

An accident waiting to happen 

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The Inevitable Disappointment Of Pants

 The Inevitable Disappointment Of Pants

 

Drunk and lonely she was an angel of eleven            

I hadn’t made love since I don’t know when            

Prowling growling the lion was on the hunt              

I decided on a strategic attack from the front

 

Clumsy fingers frustrating my chance

The inevitable disappointment of pants

Our love is a victim of circumstance

The inevitable disappointment of pants

 

“Hey baby come here often” it was my opening line

“I believe in God now cause girl you’re divine”

She giggled and smiled slowly growing her grin

I screamed “Heaven’s doors are open I’m coming in”

 

Clumsy fingers frustrating my chance

The inevitable disappointment of pants

Our love is a victim of circumstance

The inevitable disappointment of pants

 

When the storms are raging and the wounds are fresh

See the vampires circling for some innocent flesh

I’m a pilgrim seeking the land of Shang Li Ra

I love mother and wish that I knew my Pa

 

I woke up alone I guess nothing’s ever new

All the cash in my wallet it was missing too

The Bible says as you reap so shall you sow

There are some secrets that you don’t want to know

 

Clumsy fingers frustrating my chance

The inevitable disappointment of pants

Our love is a victim of circumstance

The inevitable disappointment of pants

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