Bad Man With Big Beard, Dead at 48

Bad Man With Big Beard, Dead at 48

In the interest of context and as a service to your readers, I’ve compiled a brief timeline of “ISIS” leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s numerous brushes with death. This offering cannot be a comprehensive story, given the space allotted, but here are the highlights. All were culled from actual news stories that appeared in the mainstream media.

       We were told that Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi joined the Iraqi insurgency in 2003, the year of the invasion and occupation. We were also told that he was arrested by US Forces in February 2004 and held in Camp Bucca. And we were told that he was released from Camp Bucca in December 2004. However, the former commander of that facility, Kenneth King, said that al-Baghdadi was there until (at least) 2009.

       In May 2010, this al-Baghdadi (the one the US just killed) assumed the reigns of “ISIS” formerly held by the previous al-Baghdadi, Abu Omar al-Baghdadi. According to Brigadier General Kevin Bergner, that Baghdadi was a fictional character whose audio-taped declarations were provided by an Iraqi actor named Abu Adullah al-Naima. (See New York Times headline:  Leader of Al Qaeda group in Iraq was fictional, U.S. military says.) But I digress.

       In December 2012, we were told that the real al-Baghdadi, the one recently killed for the fourth and final time, was arrested by an Iraqi counter terrorism unit. In November of that year, al-Baghdadi was reported dead, killed in an attack on a 10 truck convoy outside Mosul. (This was death number 1.) He remained in that condition, dead, for over two years, but in March 2015 it was reported that he was seriously injured, but nonetheless still living, in an airstrike in northern Iraq.

       Then in October of that same year, he again narrowly escaped death when his convoy was struck in Anbar province. In June 2016, he was killed again (death number 2) in a coalition strike on Raqqa. Later that year, in October, it was reported by the Syrian Observatory on Human Rights, i.e., some guy in Coventry, England, that al-Baghdadi had really, really died (death number 3) in the Deir-al-Zour region. Unfortunately, the remarkably resilient terrorist popped up the following month to dispute this claim.                 

        Update: the guy in Coventry has assured us that al-Baghdadi’s possible successor, Abu Hassan al-Muhajir, has also met his maker. I suggest however that you make a note of that name, as al-Muhajir may become alive and active again in the near future.

        In any case and at long last, the al-Baghadi story has reached its conclusion and final edit. This narrative, no matter how ludicrous, will enter our history books. The story,  delivered unto us by the same media that furnished all the previous reports, is now and henceforth the official one. Anyone who questions it should be shunned by all.